Let’s begin with a press release so apparent that it appears inappropriate: No matter we do on this life, others do too. Whether or not it’s taking part in sports activities, parenting, cooking, sealing a deal — you identify it — different persons are partaking in the identical exercise, and a few of them are going to indicate up in our world.
For many individuals, it’s straightforward to rejoice the truth that others are engaged in our pursuits — we will really feel fellowship with them, study from them, or take them below our wing as college students. We will additionally compete with them in crucial and wholesome methods, creating our abilities even additional.
For a few of us, although, a pure drive to compete and enhance can flip poisonous. A energetic want to rack up extra factors than our opponent can flip the enjoyable of a recreation right into a concern of being bested and a compulsive want to win at any price. The must be higher than can invade points of our lives the place it doesn’t belong.
And the drive can activate us, too, creating a contest with ourselves that we will by no means win.
The end result? Frustration, anxiousness, flagging self-worth, even broken relationships.
Brie Vortherms, MA, LMFT, a wedding and household therapist in addition to the director of Life Time Thoughts, an inside teaching program at Life Time, gives some clarifying insights about why we compete, why competitiveness can flip compulsive, and what we will do to detoxify the aggressive urge when it will get out of hand.
Trace: It’s about self-acceptance.
Stress Supply
Our tradition sees competitiveness as inherently good and idolizes winners. “Most of our society is concentrated on performance-based esteem, which implies I matter extra after I win, at school, athletically, in enterprise, wherever,” says Vortherms. “The private corollary is I solely like myself after I’m doing in addition to or higher than anyone else.”
You see your aggressive drive as a bonus. Given the overall cultural angle, hypercompetitiveness might seem to be a aggressive benefit. Via this lens, “wholesome competitors” appears like simply one other identify for not fairly giving one thing your all. However, Vortherms notes, “if it’s solely about profitable, you’re setting your self up for a very slender option to really feel good.”
You don’t understand that your competitiveness has turned poisonous. Maybe the road between wholesome competitors and poisonous competitiveness has blurred, and you may not inform whether or not your mindset has slipped towards the poisonous finish of the spectrum.
You compete with all people about all the pieces. You’ve all the time cherished to win at tennis and golf — and now you end up compelled to convey essentially the most scrumptious and elaborate dish to a potluck or to purchase a fancier automotive than your neighbor’s, even when doing so is past your talents or stretches your price range to the breaking level. “The poisonous aggressive urge can drive individuals to be excessive in the best way they reside their lives — to show they matter,” Vortherms says.
You overcompete with your self too. Striving for private bests is wholesome so long as it doesn’t flip right into a grim battle and an unwillingness to simply accept your individual limits.
You tackle greater than you may deal with. As soon as overcompetitiveness with your self takes root in your thoughts, it’s straightforward to overcommit and overwork, which may put a pressure on you, your sources, and your relationships.
You resist setting objectives since you’re afraid that you just’ll fall brief. Finally, poisonous self-competitiveness can develop into paralyzing. “That is perfectionism,” says Vortherms. “If I can’t do it the perfect, and if I can’t assure that I’m going to achieve success, I’m simply not going to do it in any respect. This may ship you right into a practical freeze and shut you down.” In the long run, it could develop into simpler to haven’t any objectives in any respect than to danger not assembly them.
